Freedom & Abundance Found Through Detachment & Boundaries

The death of the mind is the birth of Now, of wisdom. 

What is the difference between your existence and that of the saint? 

The saint knows that life is one glorious chess game with God and The Beloved has just made such a fantastic move that he is continually tripping over joy and shouting ‘I surrender!’ Whereas you, my dear, you still think you have a thousand serious moves.

As we observe the subtle shift of seasons from winter to spring and the earth begins to thaw Nature reminds us to release the grip of our attachments to the ‘way it should be’ and embrace the flow of ‘what is.’ In this New Age world and the talk about manifestation and the Law of Attraction, it is important not to get even more tangled in our attachments and rather practice receptivity and surrender. Detachment from the temporary flux of emotions based on which way the wind blows and and embracing what is constant which is change is how we find peace. Detachment is being in this world but not in it. It is not an attitude or perspective but simply living in the NOW in the current of ‘what is.’ It does not mean you run away from life but rather serving the Divine and expanding love and service to others without agenda…that starts with Self as mentioned in last month’s blog. 

 

How does Detachment relate to Sobriety you ask? All addiction stems from the addiction to the mind. We put value on certain desires and those choices define our habits. Our habits form our ‘Lifestyle.’ You might be sober curious, looking to practice balance, knowing that alcohol contributes to Self loathing and the desire for freedom. You don’t want to feel those emotions any more but also don’t feel strong enough to live without alcohol. You think alcohol numbs your emotional pain, helps you relax, and maybe even makes you feel like you are ‘more fun.’ I get it— I drank for years thinking this and that alcohol was my only friend when I was lonely, particularly after my divorce. Alcohol did not make the autoimmune symptoms any better either yet I still choose it— not out of weakness but out of lack of clarity and leaning into the crutch I had known. My biological father wasn’t in my life due to alcoholism. Dismissiveness is often a trait of alcoholics. I didn’t know that as a child and subsequently strived to find love in a world in which I felt like I was never heard, valued, or appreciated for all the love I had to give. I birthed piles of anger, resentment, and confusion as to why I wasn’t loved in return. I had yet to fully understand my role, alcoholism ruined my 22 year marriage. I wasn’t addicted to alcohol but codependency ruled my life until I began to fully understand how to find my own sense of true peace. Unraveling codependency has taken a lifetime but it has been the addiction of the mind itself that has brought the most suffering and pain and precisely why stepping away from it, detaching not from feeling itself (that is often why we drink) but in the attachments to the emotions that continually arise and the realization I am not my emotions—I am bigger than that—I am the one watching them.

It wasn’t until I began to observe the inner dialogue around how codependency has made me feel over the years that I decided to make different choices that were more in alignment with how I want to feel. I came to realize the love, respect and acceptance I was looking for in everyone else was available to me when I repeated the decisions I was making and I really liked that feeling. One good choice at a time, I began to set myself free. 

Codependency conditioning begins in childhood when there were not clear boundaries or boundaries were violated. We disconnect from ourselves and our own needs in the process. Alcohol can be a way we embrace that disconnection perpetuating more of ‘How people feel about me is how I feel about myself.’ 

Codependency breeds attachment to how others perceive us and we in turn betray ourselves in the process feeling desperate to control how others see us. That is what happens when we outsource our own validation. People pleasing, care-taking and lack of boundaries are like a vacuum that just leads to resentment. Just as abstinence may be the way out of alcoholism, boundaries are the only way out of the cycle of pain that codependency keeps us desperate to control someone else’s view of us. It begins and ends in the mind. The mind must die for wisdom to be born. Just like four walls and a roof keep us safe from the elements, boundaries with others will help you find self worth and respect which will bolster your desire to make better choices that set you in the direction of the Life you love living….one step at a time we choose inner freedom that only comes from the realization we have everything we need already. Saying no to booze more will allow you to feel more connected to your ‘Self’ and reveal the abundance that is yours by not buying into the unconscious beliefs that your martini glass needs to be full of numbing solution to avoid feeling the pain. Addiction is like being in a hamster wheel—You never really get anywhere. Setting boundaries and detaching from outcomes is how you say YES to you—You are worthy. You are God. How people treat you is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves. They are a a mere reflection of your unconscious. Stay in the high vibration of Love and say ‘Yes’ to your Self and shout loudly ‘I surrender’ as you watch your whole Life open up to the grace of ‘what is’ knowing all those serious moves were leading you to THIS moment. Say Yes to truly living in the present and No to caring what others think. The irony is that in releasing scarcity consciousness, fear of losing something (including yourself) and detaching from your desires is the heart of fertility and abundance. We live in an inside out Universe. All you ever wanted is already available. All you need to do is let go. Keep letting go to receive more.